Thoughts and such like.....
‘It’s amazing the feeling you get, when you receive that piece of paper’, so went the opening sentence of a client who wanted to transition into his Third Act with intention. He was talking about receiving his senior citizen card and went on to describe the gamut of feelings he went through, disbelief, grief, anger – all negative. My response was to ask what was the positive in receiving the paper?
Age, what is it, a number, a feeling – really when we consider it, age is a time of being. We say ‘he has an old soul’ when we hear something profound coming out of the mouth of an eight-year-old, or when someone is acting goofy, ‘he/she should really act his/her age’, but what do we really mean?
Age as defined by Webster has a number of meanings, the best for me is:
‘the period contemporary with a person's lifetime or with his or her active life’
Research indicates that middle age runs from 40 – 64, and old age begins at 65. Who made this decision and does it resonate with you? I know many people who have decided they are old at 40, and yet I also know 90 year olds who still feel and live as if they were much younger.
To me age is a state of mind, however, it can also be a state of health. How do you envisage yourself as you get older – do you want to stride or shuffle into your nineties? Maybe you’ve been told that well you’ve no choice it’s your genes, however is that just an excuse? Dr. Neal Barnard suggests that there is a myth about the part genes play in our health in this short video.
Dr. Bernard is not alone in stating that our genes do not, and should not dictate our health, Dr. Michael Greger, in his book ‘How Not to Die’, talks about how ‘our diet can change our epigenetics and genetic expression’. So, we can’t change our genes, but we can change how they are manifested through diet, exercise and lifestyle.
Basically, what they, and others, are saying is that there is no excuse, it’s up to each of us individually to decide how much effort we are willing to put into looking at our health and how much we willing to change to ensure optimal health as we age. It really is about how you want to live out this third of your life. Me… I want to skid to that finish line without the aid of pharmacological drugs, drips and other such aids, so last year I overhauled my diet, and increased the amount of time I spent walking and exercising – my blood test results have improved dramatically in less than six months!
The other piece of optimal health is how we think and what we believe about aging, in his book ‘The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton demonstrates very effectively how every cell in our body can be affected by our thoughts, so if you feel miserable about aging, that misery may well show up in your body! Two questions for you:
What do you need to do that will allow you to feel and think more positively about aging and the gift of time you have?
Who do you need to recruit to support you as you move toward a healthy Third Act that motivates and excites you?
Oh, and by the way, that client, at the beginning, he too recognized if he wanted to achieve the goals he had laid out, he needed to lose weight and eat better – the excitement he felt in looking forward to this new Act certainly helped, as did having an accountability partner. Today seven years later, he’s lost a noticeable amount of weight, continues with his Third Act plan, travelling, studying and working part-time. And best of all, with this new attitude and way of life he’s found love, the second time around!
Dr. Neal Barnard, M.D., F.A.C.C. The Physicians Committee
Lipton, Bruce H., Ph.D. (2015) The Biology of Belief. Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles (10th ED). Hay House
Greger, Michael, Dr. (2015) How Not to Die. Flatiron Books, New York New York
Webster dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/age
In my last blog, I talked of the importance of taking vacations, and for me, just after Christmas (literally – I left home Boxing day!) I was lucky enough to visit my sister in Malaysia after really busy December. While away I was able to reflect on how I was feeling, physically and mentally, and boy did I feel wrung out. I’d juggled a number of jobs leading up to Christmas as well as hosting my son’s girlfriends parents and family over the Christmas break, strangers until they arrived! So I had pushed myself to my limits and really needed that break, which was wonderful.
Aside from the fact that it was great to visit with my sister and her family, she also understood my burnout and allowed me the space to recover, adding quiet support and time for me to recuperate from a long flight and the cold I’d caught. She thoughtfully laid on great treats, such as a mani/pedicure on the first day after I arrived, as well as travels to other cities, and asked for nothing.
Now, as I reflect back, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. When we work independently as solo entrepreneurs there is no one to say – ‘hey take a break’ or ‘how are you sleeping?’ We’re constantly trying to add value to the work we do for our clients, while at the same time hustling for new clients. We stress about our finances, we stress about the future, where will we find the next client all the while trying to serve the clients we have to the best of our ability! So all the while I was away, I was thinking about all these things and how my outlook reflects my wellbeing.
Coming home, I’ve decided to be kinder to myself…. First I had to get over my jet lag, which I didn’t struggle against, I let it happen and was gentle with myself, if I needed to take a nap, that was okay. However, when I was away, I walked – a lot! Exploring and comparing my fitness with my big sis, who also got me swimming, not something I do often made me realize how I sometime in busy periods neglect this part of my wellbeing. On coming home, I wanted to continue these great habits and began with 30 minutes walking each morning, a couple of 10 minutes upper body sessions last week, and, of course, my great yoga class.
That was the easy part, now to get back into my work routine – I completed a number of contracts in December, and so I was able to away without trying to juggle time zones and zoom calls. Coming home I needed to follow up with current clients, and connect with prospective entrepreneurs and emerging leaders who want to grow and develop. It’s also time to restart my blogging as well writing for other on-line magazines. I could get lost in the ‘tyranny of the urgent’, frantically worrying goals I’ve set, or what my bottom line will look like at the end of the month, but instead I’m going to focus on improving on what I know is the good value I bring to clients, and trust that growth will come with the investment I’ve made and continue to make in my business. I won’t get caught in the cycle of negative thoughts and energy thieves. I've got my weekly mastermind group and a new business partner to bounce ideas off, and catch me when I'm being too hard on myself. These are supports I needed to put into place to help me not become my own worst enemy!
When I began my entrepreneur journey, I wanted to spend more time on my hobbies, and although I have spent some time playing in this arena, it hasn’t been to the extent that I had in mind. So I’ve made a decision to give myself permission to play more, right now I’m cleaning up, and putting away my vacation clothes, as well as tidying up after Christmas. Yep still putting away Christmas decorations! However, as I go through my diary, I’m adding play time. I find I work best when I calendar in all my activities, I colour code everything, this gives me the ability to look at my week and see where and how I am spending my time – if I go over, say my volunteer time then I can reflect on what occurred, and what I might need to change to ensure that I balance my week. Notice I say week, I think trying to balance days is a little crazy, I look at my weeks and months to see how I’m spending time and compare it to how I’m feeling – sometimes it’s a mixture of too much of everything, others it’s one area of my life that’s a little crazy. This colour system allows me to keep track of my life, and rebalance it when necessary.
How do you ensure you have time for everything in your life? Do you have a system? I wonder at those that discuss work/life balance as for me it’s all about life, and the balance is in how we take care of ourselves and our loved ones, whether at home or work.
Remember, life is for living. You only have this one life to live. Live it to the fullest, laugh each day, try to hug at least one person, be grateful for what you have and support others who are struggling. Give where you can, sometimes that may be financially, but often it’s lending a shoulder or an ear, it can make a huge difference.
So, belatedly Happy New Year to you all, tell me what is the one thing you’re changing this year to increase happiness in your life? Leave a comment below, so we can all learn from each other.
Have you ever got caught up in the tyranny of the urgent when all the systems and habits you've been practicing for ever seem to disappear into the ether? This past few weeks has been a whirlwind of activity, some good some not so much! Clients coming and going, volunteer projects coming together, meetings, lots of phone calls and emails, as well as interviews as I work through a feasibility study. On the home front I've been winterizing my home and set in motion plans to visit family after Christmas! And, in among the frenzy of activity no real down time for me.
I was talking to a client this afternoon about the same problem, as things get busier, and energy gets used up in one area, we deplete the energy available for other things in our life and shortchange those we love, as well as those things we love to do! One of the things I do love about working with individuals is that I always learn so much from them, and in the process I grow! I can see my reflection in them as we work through the challenges they face.. the challenge of having too many balls in the air, too many people looking to them to get things done, and sometimes the challenge of taking on too much.
One of the biggest challenges I face, and a weakness of mine is giving my time to others and causes I believe in. And often, I offer free what I should be charging for... this was brought to my attention again at lunch by a colleague who is working on a volunteer project with me, I set about to pick his brains about developing my business. He went through the process of asking simple questions that made me really think and focus on who I serve, how much I give away either through reduction in fees, or just through offering services. He sat me down and questioned where my attention was, who my ideal client really is and asked why should anyone pay me for stuff when I was giving it away! He's made me aware that in the process of trying to help others, I've been shortchanging myself and my business. A challenge I've sorta been aware of, when it has come back to bite me, such as the time I gave free coaching to an acquaintance who then went out and hired a coach because of the value she'd received! I struggle between volunteer projects and expanding my business, however no one has ever called me on it - until now! And so what to do...
I'm taking time out to really think deeply about the questions posed today. My clients have varied from business to personal, and a mixture of both. I truly believe that life is life and we can't separate our work life from everything else - life is life. However in order to grow, I hear time and time again, that I should specialize, focus on one area and move my attention to there alone, difficult for one who loves to play the field as it were. I like people, I like working with them to delve into whatever challenges they face, however because of this I'm apparently seen as too generalist and should really focus on one area. I'm going away soon to visit my sister, and in the process it is time to refocus and decide what path I want to take. So, I know I have quite a few readers out there, tell me your thoughts - you've read my blogs over the past year, and heard my voice, now I'd like to hear yours, please.
How do you balance your volunteer life with work and life? What do you do when you realize you've dropped all those good habits you've cultivated and how do you travel back to balance? What about those big decisions and complex challenges, how do you make decisions on which way to go? I'm open and interested - talk to me!
Gerascophia is the fear of growing old or old age. Recently I have read and listened to a lot of negative conversations about aging, always negative thoughts of what is to come and just negativity about aging in general. I find I often get annoyed at people blaming their memory on 'old age', or stating, 'I'm too old to do that' without thought about whether they actually could, rather just making the assumption that it's not possible!
What is it about aging that makes people feel negative, fear the future, resigned to the frame of mind that from here on there will be slow degeneration of mind and body, and that the best of life is behind us? What is it that pushes us to pull out those grey hairs, try to hide the wrinkles and associate the word old with 'ugly'? Me, I often think that some of the most beautiful people are the elderly - I love the faces of older people, I associate their lines and wrinkles with experience and a life well lived. Women (me too), are often taken in with the advertising that tells us we can look younger, or recapture our youthful looks through using this potion or this powder! We forget you can't go back, however you can go forward and you have a choice of how that forward journey will go.
We often look at those who are in residential care as the poster people for old age, and yet in 2016, only 6.8% of Canadians age 65 and older were living in care, this did jump to 30% for those 85 and older, but 6.8% - why do we worry so much... What if we were shown advertisements of older people embracing their age and the changes it brings - like wisdom and the ability to do what we please without having to consider the impact it has on our children and family. What if we embrace our wrinkles as part of our success in survival! One article I read said that with old age comes the probability of sickness and various chronic illness, hum what? Living at any age comes with the probability of sickness and chronic disease, maybe we should ask how we live can reduce that probability, at any age!
If we look at ourselves at a certain age and find that perhaps we hadn't realized the contribution or level of prosperity that we had hoped for when we were younger, we can sit and feel disappointed and let that disappointment direct the rest of our life, or we can accept that we aren't where we hoped we would be, and think about what next. What do we want for the next 20 or 30 years we have left to us? We can wallow in a pity party and become the grumpy old person, or we can accept that which we can't change and move forward.
As we grow older, there are things that we can't avoid. There are often more people we know who die, others do get sick and need 24/7 support, but there are also things we can do to try and live as healthy a life as we can, we can invest in ourselves! Perhaps the most healthy change we can make is about the way we view growing older - really we can't do anything about it, everyone is doing it! What does worrying about aging bring us? Certainly worrying is not going to make us any younger, rather it eats up time and can actually make us sick. So what can we do:
Growing older isn't something to be afraid of, rather it's a time to embrace life. Many older people claim that as they age they become more of who they are, or were meant to be. Growing older doesn't mean that we should lose our appetite for life, rather we should look at it as a time to grow more passionate, to celebrate who we are and to care less about what others think of us. We can chose who we want to spend time with, rather than trying to fit in with people we feel we 'should' spend time with.
Growing older allows us the opportunity to continue our learning, something I'm passionate about, and don't believe what they say about being too old to learn a new skill - in this piece David Robson disproves the theory that an older brain simply cannot absorb the same information as a young child!
Don’t allow our cultural perspective of old age to hold you back so that you wake up one day with regret of having missed out on life. Don’t allow fear to rule you. Rather look at what brings you joy, look at each day as a gift and take pleasure in the little things - make a difference in your world and let fear go. If you do so, you will also probably avoid one of the key things that affect many of our elders today - loneliness. All of us need a sense of purpose, of belonging. So:
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Do you use all your vacation time, or are you too busy? In 2017, according to Expedia's Vacation Deprivation report Canada ranked 9th in being the most vacation deprived! And that being said, those living in the US are not much better at taking their vacation time; that is, if they are given it - unlike other developed countries in the World, the US has no mandated vacation days for employees. And, although Canadians have mandated vacation, we have less mandated vacation days when compared to most other Western nations.
Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, out of balance and under the gun at work - do you tell yourself and others that you cannot take vacation because you are too busy? Do you think taking a vacation will make you look less dedicated to your workplace?
Let's debunk some myths:
1. I'll be seen as less dedicated and less productive -
Let's rephrase and talk about what a vacation or taking time off can do for you!
Now I'm talking about a real vacation, not a day here and there but a week, or even better two weeks away. To really benefit from a vacation we must - turn off e-mail and calls, and stop thinking about work. Even planning a vacation can change our outlook and make us happier. If you worry about someone dropping the ball at work, plan, delegate and then trust. Remember no one is indispensable, although we do sometimes like to think we are.. I'm often amazed when I go away, and really turn off, how many solutions I find when I return home, to challenges I had struggled with before I left.
It's important to take time away, whether you own the business, are an key team leader or a new employee. It's important to your health, which in turn is important to your company's health. Burnout is real and costly for companies, stressed out employees are not productive or creative, in fact they can be downright grumpy and disruptive.
Remember you only have this life to live, you are in charge of how you live it. Working yourself to the bone, suffering ill health and bad relationships because you are afraid of taking time away may mean it's time to re-access what's important. Take back your time! Live the life you have been given with joy, gratitude and happiness. And, if you need support to instigate changes, contact me and set up an appointment for a free discovery session.
Once would expect at a certain time of life that challenges with difficult people would either no longer bother us, or we’d be well versed in dealing/working with them. However, I’m finding even in this new life, where I can pick and chose my clients, that that is not always so! Sometimes when working with some clients, I wonder ‘how did they get so far in their career with that attitude?’ What on earth were the hiring committee thinking? And other such negative thoughts, judging and finding fault, something a coach shouldn’t be doing. When I have find myself in that position it is galling to know I’m not as immune as I would like, and that strangers can still press my buttons and tie me into knots.
Finding myself in this situation, where I don’t want to deal with a client any longer, where nothing is right, each suggestion comes back with the fact that they are the expert, they know how it should be done because they have done it before….. I have to bite my tongue where a nasty retort may sit about how their supposed expertise wouldn’t have led them to being sent to my front door. However this behaviour has had me researching and wondering if and how I might be able help this type of ‘know it all’ or negative person to see how their behaviour impedes them, their relationships, and reaching the dreams they hold dear.
When working with individuals, particularly if I find myself questioning something, I often go back to my first impressions and intuition… what did I first think and/or feel about the individual? What was it about them that gave me these impressions? My impression of ‘know it all's’ is that often they are insecure, lack empathy and may have an oversize ego. Harsh, maybe but often very true. In her Gamache series, Louise Penny’s protagonist poet Ruth published a book of poems called ‘I’m FINE’ . An acronym: F#*ked up, insecure, neurotic, and egotistical! I love this description of such a common banal way of responding to ‘How are you?”, it tickles me in the right way and in my mind fits this type of personality.
My research has led me to two possible ways to deal with people like this: I can just avoid them, or I can try and help and support them. My conclusion is that if I decide to work with them, I need to mix the two sets of advice. So if a client acts in this way, I try to:
However, it’s not so easy if you have to work with someone like this, or are dealing with a family member. My suggestion would be to follow the above rules, but also to avoid them as much as possible, negative behaviour is catching and you may find yourself following their example without realizing. If you’re working with someone who has this type of personality try and see the humour in the situation(s); who ever knows everything! Find a friend or family member outside work who you can confide in, however limit your time in doing so, or else they may grow tired of listening.
Remember life is for living and you only have this one life. You are in charge of how you live, surrounding yourself with negative people or ‘know it all’s’ will affect your mental health and happiness. So if you find yourself having to work or socialize with someone of this ilk, take time away and do what you can to ensure you don’t absorb the negative energy that surrounds them. Live the life you have been given with joy, gratitude and happiness. And, if you need support to instigate changes, or to stand up to negativity, contact me and set up an appointment for a free discovery session.
Authenticity, being true to oneself; understanding where we are coming from through reflection and understanding - working from the inside out. In the Third Act we talk of this inside out transition, doing a personal audit, how we view ourselves, how we treat ourselves and how we view knowledge we own, as well as how we use our experience and skills in the world.
When we talk of the Third Act transition we are challenging ourselves to look at who we are in the world, not who we project but who we really are inside - we can change how we are seen in the world, we can change our circumstances, our country .... but if we are unhappy inside nothing will shift for us until we change ourselves and do the inner work.
Inner work can be scary, we cannot hide from our true selves. We can try to ignore it, we can make up stories about who we are and how we became, but until we dig into those old hurts, all the wounds we have carried throughout the years, whether they are from childhood, or more recently from where we work/play, we will never truly be authentic. I believe we all need to challenge ourselves to look our fears in the eye, question self-limiting beliefs and toxic ways of thinking, and understand what our underlying fears are.
In the introduction to their book 'Immunity to Change' (amzn.to/2oGQ6pX), Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey talk of a medical study that showed when doctors tell heart patients they will die if they don't change their habits, only one in seven will be able to follow through successfully. Their book is an eye opener into the human brain and the challenges we all face in overcoming resistance and transforming our lives. They look at what it is that prevents us from making changes that, literally in some cases, can make the difference between life or death. They talk about not only uncovering fears that stop us from making changes, but how we protect ourselves consciously, and unconsciously, from doing the very thing we want. Competing Commitments - an example being of a father wanting to be a better listener, thinking he 'may look stupid' to his teenagers, and thus feel humiliated. Therefore he acts in a way that protects him from this threat but in doing so prevents himself from achieving his goal of being a better listener and too, feeling closer to his children.
You can't wish to change and then expect it to happen overnight, it comes from deep inside and believing you can change is a major step in moving forward. Changing a habit of a lifetime is not easy, often it's easier to give up than to persevere, however, it can be done, and understanding that there will be setbacks is part of the journey. Even as we do begin to understand these fears and competing commitments, we often have trouble forgiving ourselves if we step off the path. It takes courage to step right back on and move forward, in AA they call it taking one day at a time. Some say it's easier to tell others and ask them to hold you accountable, others believe it is better to hold the change to yourself. I think you need to decide what works best for you!
Transition by its very nature means moving forward - there is no end, it's ongoing and that's the way is should be, we can rest, reflect on how far we've come but it's a journey, we can take a detour, but we should never presume to be at the end - nobody is that perfect! There's always something I want to change in my life, however one small step at a time, I'm not going to waste energy fighting who I am, what I'm doing is making small changes, working at them so that they become ingrained, and I'm no longer thinking about 'having' to remember, then I move onto something else. An example: I wanted to meditate each night: So I found an app I like and use it. It has become part of my night time ritual, however there have been nights when I've been too tired or simply forgot, I don't beat myself up about it, I just tune in the next night and continue on.
As you instigate changes in your life, now and then take time to reflect on how far you've come - celebrate those steps you've taken to becoming the person you wish to be. Our Third Act is a time when we can do this work, learn from it and make changes that can allow us to truly be who we were meant to be. It is not a time for regrets of what might have been, but rather a time of celebration, of a new and exciting adventure or journey, and a time for us.
If you would like help, find a coach and/or support team that will help you on your journey. Remember you only have one life to live, you are in charge of how you live it, take time to enjoy the journey and embrace the changes that continue to occur. Live the life that's left to you with joy, gratitude, positivity, and happiness while fulfilling the dreams you have carried throughout your life!
If you would like support in instigating changes into your life, why not contact me and make an appointment for a free discovery session.
This summer we've experienced some major fluctuations in our weather, from scorching hot days to freezing cold and somewhere in between, and although we might complain about the weather we've been lucky on our Island not to have experienced the extreme wildfires that much of our Province has seen this summer. In fact wildfires seem to have been hitting many places in the World over the past few months, from Sweden to Greece, Australia to Russia not to mention the US and Indonesia. It's interesting to note that until I looked up wildfires around the World I really hadn't realized what an impact they were having - climate change affects us all and yet some of us don't see how we contribute to the problem by ignoring it.
It's a bit like when we're going through change, we tend not to see what's happening in other peoples world... or at least that's me.. I'm ridiculously bad at noticing things when I'm focused on something, I've vowed to be better, however my kids often laugh at how I missed something or someone's expression because I'm focused on whatever I'm doing, and I think I'm like that when change, whether expected or unexpected, happens. I tend not to see what's going on around me, particularly if the change is either unexpected or unwelcome. I become so focused on my world, so caught up in the 'unfairness' or sadness of what has occurred that somehow I'm oblivious to what is going on around me. It's not intentional, rather it's how I've tried to deal with it, I rarely reach out to others as I have this ridiculous tendency of having to deal with things on my own, I guess a hangover from childhood when problems were there to be solved by me, not expected to be passed onto parents or those in charge. Now, I've begun to learn that how I deal with change may not always be the best, and I'm working on changing this habit.
Change is an unavoidable part of life, and although some changes are easier to manage than others, how we respond to change is up to us! Research shows that how we deal with change can have significant impact on our emotional and physical health. Even good change can affect how we manage ourselves and our time, and we are more likely to move through change successfully if we acknowledge the challenges, explore our options and remain positive, giving ourselves time to adapt to our new reality. In other words, how we deal with change whether in life or business is important. More often when we talk of change we mean change that may affect us in a negative way, like the loss of a partner, divorce, or loss of a job, or a promotion that didn't happen, things that may not seem to be a big deal to others can affect us emotionally. Sometimes even retirement, which we may have looked at with excitement, when it becomes reality can have a negative emotional effect - we no longer have a place to go each day, the chats in the coffee room no longer include us.
When change happens we can turn to other distractions, such as drinking or acting irresponsibly, avoiding meetings that discuss the change, or pretending it's not happening and continuing on as before - however this can make things much worse. Sometimes we may need to engage professional help, but family, good friends or colleagues may also be of support. It's important to examine and manage our feelings as they arise as this can help us move forward, talking to others who have faced difficulties head-on and come out stronger can also help us reflect on new possibilities.
Three things we can do to work through change:
In the Tiny Buddha, (tinybuddha.com/blog/13-ways-to-change-when-life-changes-around-you/) Loren Hills wrote that 'Just as the seasons change, so do we. Some changes we can choose, others we do not.' She went onto suggest that we start by being present to the changes that occur everyday around us, 'natural changes that take place in everyday life'. Often we have no choice, change happens and we can continue to resist and be left behind or we can accept and move forward. Often our resistance to change comes from fear - fear of the unknown. Take time to figure out what your fears are, and try to work through them. Changing how we react to change can enable us to learn and grow.
When moving through change don't be surprised if success doesn't come immediately, working through change requires consistent and persistent action, stay present and focus on what needs to be done immediately.
Remember you only have one life to live, you are in charge of how you live it, so live it to the fullest and and embrace the change that continues to occur throughout your journey. Living the life that's left to you with gratitude, positivity, and happiness while fulfilling the dreams you have carried throughout your life!
A coach can help you navigate your way through change, if you would like help moving through change, contact me for a free discovery session.
As my friends and many of my regular blog readers know I have two sons. What I realized this weekend when my youngest came to visit was how incredibly focused they both are. As they were growing up, I ignored conventional wisdom and told them always to go for their dream, what made them happy. Both have followed that advice, sometimes hurting for it, the eldest as a musician, always broke, but going through university realizing there are many ways to work in the music industry, and find his path there. The youngest who dreams of playing professional rugby, continuing to hone his skill, working out each day, practicing, stretching, rolling and taking on MacJobs, or jobs that don't lead anywhere, just to be able to do what he dreams of.
This ability to go for our dreams is what separates many people from the rest of us - they have a belief in themselves and their ability, they work hard and go without because they believe. We admire those 'who've made it', people who've worked hard and become who they dreamed they would be, but sometimes we forget the cost, or we ignore those trying to climb the ladder. It's so much easier to give up, to say no, I won't make it or there are too many obstacles in my way. It takes courage to follow your path. There are those who despite setbacks continue to live their dream? They may never be famous or household names, they may never be rich or turn heads as they walk by, but they continue to live their dream in the life they live.
I believe it is never to late to dream - or try for your dream. There seems to be a belief that our life is already written, we can't change it - I don't believe that, our role is to grab that pen and write our own story, in all it's glorious technicolour, whether our dream is to travel the World or to stay at home - it is our story we develop and shape it as we wish! What do you dream of, and what excuse do you have for not trying? Many people don't believe in themselves 'It'll never happen, why bother?' they reason. However, if you never try, of course it will never happen - what if you tried? You have to believe in yourself, before others can believe in you! Each day is precious, don't waste it - reach, Steve Jobs said:
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.'
If you're working in a job you hate, counting the minutes until the day ends, why? You only have this one life; what will it take for you to change so that you can follow your dream? It's never too late to pursue what you love, and if there are others who will be affected by you following this dream, talk to them, they love you, they will want you to be happy and will be there for you as you work toward your goal. Clients will often say, I can't remember that far back, when I ask 'What did you dream of in your teens/twenties/thirties - I call them on it, we never forget our dreams. We may lose them in the hustle and bustle of a busy life, but we don't forget. Ask yourself, if I had five million dollars what would I be doing with my life?
Our goals and passions needn't be huge in the worlds' eye, but are huge for us, we are the ones who want to wake up invigorated each day, loving what we do... sometimes we have to take other roles to allow us time to develop our talent, and that's okay... we all need to feed ourselves. And, sometimes our own fear is the biggest hurdle we have to cross, I know, I lived in a place where I was no longer fulfilled, I had almost become numb and joyless... however more than anything I was afraid to change, afraid for myself and my family.... the good old 'what's ifs' came to visit my head and danced around, making merry, building up arguments as to why I shouldn't embark an a new adventure - the whisperings of so called sage voices telling me that I hadn't enough saved, that I was a fool to leave a secure well paid job to forge my own path and what would happen if....if.. (fill in you own blanks). I wonder has this ever happened to you?
When I did leave, eventually, the voices and naysayers in and out of my head shook their heads, oh was I in trouble. However, my kids asked 'What took you so long? and when I gave all those answers, their response 'so what.... things will work out... what if you have to sell the house - you can always buy another' was all I needed to hear. It takes time to build a business, reach a place of security, times when you're constantly questioning yourself with 'What do i think I'm doing? Who do I think I am that I could do this....? When you talk to the dying about their regrets, many say it was not following their dream when they could have/should have. The risks we don't take are those that we regret. Confront the doubt head on.
People who follow their dream often say how alive they feel, they work hard but it doesn't feel like work, they continually improve themselves to make their dream a reality. Happiness shines through them and is contagious. They like themselves more, they don't begrudge working at the weekends - they have flexible schedules. They inspire others, like you and me as we face our fears and win. Not only do they learn new things, but they enjoy the challenges they face. They inspire us all, Yes, it's risky, but all things that are worth it, are. Don't allow fear or challenge stop you from moving forward.. It's good to get out of your comfort zone, who says you can't? The only person limiting you, is you!
Remember you only have one life to live, Remember you only have one life to live, you are in charge of how you live it, so live it to the fullest and enjoy your journey. Live the life that's left to you with gratitude, positivity, and happiness fulfilling the dreams you have carried throughout your life!
Last week I had a call from a real estate sales person wondering if I had considered selling my home. I was having trouble understanding him, and had asked him to repeat himself when the phone line went dead. A few minutes later the phone rang again, this time a different sales person came on and when I mentioned I had been talking with someone else he proceeded to tell me what a poor worker his colleague was, and how much difficulty they were having with him - most peculiar, but more importantly for that firm, not the kind of discussion he should have been having with me! When speaking with customers, I don't think I'm off by saying complaints of this sort should be kept inside the organization and certainly one employee should not be criticizing another to a potential customer. I quickly ended the call and mulled it over.
The conversation got me thinking about negative people and the effect they can have on each of us, on our organizations and on our World. It's easy to get caught up in a negative conversation, we've all done it at sometime, however being around negative people is toxic for us and can slowly trickle into our life, colouring our view of the world and our place within it. When we allow negativity to direct our actions and behaviour it means that we haven't set boundaries.
Setting boundaries and our own interaction with a negative person means we set limits on our contact with them and the rub off effect on us. Keeping our interactions short and to the point, not getting caught up in their rhetoric can also help avoid getting pulled into their negativity. I read somewhere about thinking of a negative person in a similar way to someone who smokes: would you spend endless time with the smoker, inhaling the air around or would you limit your time with them?
Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage calls the negative pattern of thinking 'The Tetris Effect', and suggests it's 'a metaphor for the way our brains dictate the way we see the world around us'. He talks about getting stuck in a pattern of only seeing the negative, and missing the positives. Okay, so it's not so simple, however Achor goes onto say 'Constantly scanning the world for the negative comes with a great cost. It undercuts our creativity, raises our stress levels, and lowers our motivation and ability to accomplish goals'. I would add that hanging out with people who constantly look on the negative, also affects our ability to look at the positive side of things, for example, the next time you spend time with someone who has this type of personality, try and scan yourself once you return home - what's your mood like? how do you feel?
Achor talks of the 'positive' and negative' Tetris Effect - if we only focus on one area then that's all our brains will see. He states and research confirms that we can train our brains. So if we begin to revise our thinking and start looking for the positives, we can 'profit from three of the most important tools available to us: happiness, gratitude, and optimism. The effect of all three is to grow in positivity and happiness, a side effect of which is greater work performance and achievement of goals! So, even in times of adversity it pays to be an optimist!
Setting boundaries about how we want to be treated, is a part of self care, also establishes our identity and supports mental health. If you set boundaries, you can control chaos in your life, remember you aren't responsible for how another person feels, only for yourself. If you find that you need to set boundaries, do so clearly and succinctly and, stick to it, don't waver for anyone! This can be hard, especially if the other person is not used to them, but be persistent - this is for you and only you can do it.
If you must or have to interact with someone who's always complaining, for every negative thing they bring up, ask for a positive solution, this really does get them to stop and think - don't fall into the the habit of giving them a solution, but make them work for their own. It'll really get them to view their situation from a different angle.
Remember you only have one life to live, you are in charge of how you live it, so set those boundaries and give up living with the negativity and toxic behaviour of others. Live well, take up with new positive friends, live the life that's left to you with gratitude, positivity, and happiness!
Maeve O'Byrne's Blog