Thoughts and such like.....
I was invited to the Survivors dinner, Dragonboat Festival, the 11th, over $2 Million raised for diagnostic and operating equipment. I sat at the front and watched as women young and old greeted each other. Some came from down the road, others from flood ridden Calgary. Each of these men and women have a story, each a survivor of Breast Cancer. Some friends from last year weren't able to come, others will never return - they lost their fight. I sat and marvelled at the courage and felt privileged that I for a few hours became part of their fight. They laughed and teased each other, dressed to the nines for the dance competition later - the songs they chose ranging from Swan lake to Stronger inspired by this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaQdwTsVtCY). And me, I was invited to say thank you and what I wanted to do was go away, hide and cry - why? These are incredibly strong women and men, who have battled and are winning their individual fight, why am I so emotional? Is it my ego, am I crying for myself and my fears? I acknowledge that some is fear but what else pushes that button that brings tears? Is it guilt that I have, to date, avoided this disease on my dance card? As I sat and watched these women and men, it occurred to me that I was avoiding the question? I skipped around it, testing, but I don't want to answer, I'm letting my fear take over. There is no big question today, no clever discussion - just a thought - when did you last look at the good in your life and give thanks and love to those around you?
So when do I learn to take my own advice. Returning to full time work this week, I work one six hour day, good; another nine hour day and the third twelve hours, consequently the fourth day I crash! This after major surgery and two months recuperating, why would I do this to myself, particularly when I would advise others to take their time, come back slowly, don't over do it...
Thanks to Jeanie, we had that and another conversation today - what is it that makes us so hard on ourselves, harder, much harder than we would on others. Why is our self talk so cruel, the things we say to ourselves, in our minds, we would never say to family and friends and/or colleagues, the stories we tell ourselves that sabotage our efforts to move forward - so what can we do to change this mindset? One way is to catch ourselves in this negative self talk, reverse it, laugh at ourselves and and ask why? Why did we say that? What was that about? Try it and let me know how you do, me I'm going to rest!
As I heal from my surgery, I'm discovering new things about myself, some I'm okay with, others have surprised me and some I need to leave behind!
I am I believe with others, patient and practical I encourage them to be realistic when setting goals, I urge them to be patient about acquiring new habits, learning new skills and I suggest to them that they practice, practice, practice. So why do I find it so difficult to follow my own advice? As I recover from my surgery I am discovering that I want to heal - NOW. That I really don't want to do my exercises every day and that I have to be patient with the healing process - some days are going to be better than others, and look where I am now compared to six weeks ago.
I am getting a new appreciation of the hurdles clients face when they approach challenges in their lives. So what is it about us, that makes us so impatient, unforgiving and unrealistic about ourselves in ways that we would not be to our friends? What is it that is so difficult in change, and changing habits? One thing I'm realizing is that for me, changing one thing at a time is easier than trying to change a whole load of things at once. For others I know they feel better if they can just make a whole load at once. So each day I practice up and down the stairs, sometimes if I'm feeling good, I'll go on my stationary bike and/or add another exercise and later on every second day I work on my arms, continuing with my weight training. I'm changing my diet, I have time to review what I eat - more protein and lots of vegetables and fruit all aiding my internal recovery.
I can look at the positives in my life, and I can continue working acknowledging and honouring my limits. What are you challenged by, and how are you working to overcome, acknowledge and honouring these challenges?
I'm confined to my home, a new knee in place and the journey back to wellness - I believe the health is there, the wellness is getting the new knee to straighten and bend. So what is my goal - by next March 2014 I want to sit cross legged again! And to achieve this I must work at the exercises that I have been given by my healthcare team - it's going to be challenging and there will be good days and bad days, but I have a clear goal in front of me - now to break it down into smaller steps. I'm treating this like many other goals, small steps that move me forward.
One amazing discovery I have made since I arrived at home is that I am so lucky, I live on my own for the most part, I have no family close by, there are no nurses coming to visit, just the incredible generosity of friends who have put their lives aside to ensure that my journey to wellness is as easy as it can be. I am overwhelmed and inspired by the number of people, who when I put my pride aside and asked for help, have been so giving. Checking in with me each day, popping in with ice, food and company. Ensuring that I can get to the appointments that have been made for me by my healthcare team. It appears so simple, ask for help and friends willingly show up, however that first step is amazingly difficult to take, for me anyway. What was it that made it so difficult - pride? the unwillingness to 'burden' others; the difficultly of showing others, good friends though they might be, the me underneath the paint and make up? It interests me that it was such a big step for me, me who values my privacy, me who could do anything - I had to. How much of my life journey may have been different if I had asked for help during those years on my own with my boys? What is it that holds us back. I spoke to one women some time ago about a difficult period in her life and why she hadn't done things in a different way - her response was that she didn't want anyone to know her business. I asked why not - she wouldn't/couldn't answer. She is stuck and unwilling to become unstuck - I can show her how, but she must make the decision.
I'm interested in my reaction, what was it in my life that stopped me opening to others? Was there a time when I was more open, what happened that changed things - sure I can blame it on my childhood, but it was my choice. Why did I make that choice, and how am I going to change my way of being when another challenge comes? What about you, can you think back to a moment in time when you made a choice, and another when you changed that choice? For now I'm thankful that I made that decision to ask for help, what a wonderful gift I allowed myself, my thanks to others is in allowing them to see me - who I am, warts and all!
So during the last few months, and particularly in recent weeks, I'm learning new things about myself. I've always thought that I was fairly easy going, moving along life's path riding the waves and with a few exceptions coming out the other side intact.
Over the years I have spent time learning more about me, doing some self examination and have a better understanding of who I am. I've become much more self aware. So it comes as some surprise to me now, when I find myself fretting. I'm about to have surgery, a knee replacement, not a small thing I know, however what I have learned so far about myself is that despite the easy going exterior I show to the world, I really like to control the environment I live in and how I show up! With this surgery I have to let go, I have no control around what is going to happen to me, other than say no, and believe me at this time it is not an option if I want to have a better quality of life as I age. I have done everything I have been told, shown up at the pre-rehab information session, worked on the exercises given and more, re-organized in my mind not only that session but also the whole pre-admit process in BC hospitals! Sent out a spreadsheet to friends to organize my life after surgery, reorganized my bedroom and home to accommodate me during that time of learning to walk again. Ensured that friends and family are contacted after surgery letting loved ones especially know that I'm out and fine. And yet.... I still fret!
And so it's a time of learning, I'm amazed at the generosity of friends, of others who have gone through this operation and are willing to share their learnings. I'm also interested to listen to others who rather than encourage and applaud the decision to move forward with this operation, are negative. Quite frankly if another person tells me it is going to hurt like hell I think I'll scream - those that do for the most part haven't had the operation themselves, but they know. They continue about how difficult recovery will be, and how I'll not be able to do certain things! I find myself curious, why are they so negative? What is driving them to make such comments? It has made me conscious that I should be more mindful of comments I make when speaking with someone who is facing a hard decision, or who has made one about moving forward - what assumptions am I making about their decision, is it my life I'm basing those assumptions on, or theirs? Why be so negative when someone has obviously thought things through?
It's just over a week before I go into hospital and I find myself working to still my mind of worries, fears about the what ifs? What if something goes wrong? What if I don't make it? Have I got my papers in order (of course not!). What if ? Minds are funny things, we can't control what passes through but we can control our reaction to them. So what if something goes wrong - I can't control that, but I have trust in my surgeon, I know that the team working on me are on my side, that they will do everything in their power to make sure nothing goes wrong, the admit process that I am so critical of is just one of the check points to ensure that I am ready and able to undergo this surgery - I need to accept this and not stress out about what I can't control, rather focus on what I can - ensuring I eat well and am as prepared as I can be both before and after surgery - I follow instructions rather than knowing better than the experts. Again it makes me think about how much energy we put into focusing on our fears, usually fears of the unknown. So now I'm focusing on 'So I'm out of surgery, all is well, how can I ensure my recovery is the best it can be?' What do I look like three months from now, six months? What am I doing? Walking with friends, hiking maybe in a year I'll be snow shoeing up that same mountain that was the location of the accident that was the start of this three year journey - life will be good, because I will make it so - I'll be back in the driving seat, in control!
ps. A friend sent this link to a TED talk about how our body language shapes who you are! Enjoy
So I've been procrastinating, and procrastinating... I can't write my blog, what do I want to say? What am I feel passionate about that will interest people - excuses, excuses and easy to buy into and so it goes on.
So why do I have to be perfect? A question I ask others is, what would be the worst that could happen if ......? So for me what would happen if the post is not exciting/perfect etc. etc... but people will be disappointed - Question: are my posts that important? No one will read me again - Question: how do I know that that many people read them anyway.
So really what is the/my problem? Do I want to be perfect for my clients or myself - is it me and my own ego - yep that's it, that pride I was warned about it as a child, here it is again popping up it's old head again and again, writing a blog is not the only place it can get a hold, like temptation pride pops it's head up at the most inconvenient time, however unlike temptation, pride is really good at hiding itself and sometimes it takes a while to recognize what's happening. It sneaks up and then the excuses start until it's been over a month and the longer I procrastinate the more difficult it is to start again.
What's different today? What happened today that changed things? Maybe a question I've been pondering a few days now - what will it take me to start again?
So what is it that has you procrastinating on moving forward/making a decision? What would it take you to move forward? Talk to me, let me know what you think. What will it take to move you forward on something that you've been procrastinating on?
I was driving to a workshop one morning a week ago, a drive of two hours and during the drive I listened to a number of discussions on CBC about the tragic suicide of Amanda Todd; bullied to death! Much of the discussion, actually all of the discussion, centred around schools, what could teachers and students do, how could parents help, what could school boards instigate - how do people police facebook/cyberspace.
While I found all the discussions really interesting, I began to feel that they were missing the point. The discussions were about control - things and people, mainly kids. However my thoughts turned to us as individuals taking the time to look inward and look at behaviour as adults. My mother used to use the expression "don't do what I do, do what I say", how often do we think about how our behaviour and what it says about us? When we are striving to reach our goals, are we conscious of how we seem to others, how we treat them? or rather how they feel we treat them? Do we notice the receptionist each morning as we pass, what do we actually know about him/her and their circumstances. Great leaders take time to know their people, if your team respects you, trusts you and know you are at their back, know they can come to you if they have a problem whether it be looking to you to help solve, or just understanding, they often will take calculated risks and will go out of their way to do the best job - but the work starts with you as a leader. As Adults it is our responsibility to demonstrate that starting with us, bullying will not be tolerated at any level of Society
To my mind, one of the most outstanding examples of bullying is in politics - yes, facebook has a long reach, but so also does TV and other mediums! Where is there a more perfect example of how bullying can work, how it destroys individuals and their reputations without repercussions. As we look at ourselves I think we also need to begin to demand that they look at their behaviour and ask themselves what responsibilities they have in demonstrating right and wrong! When they set up their advertisements about their opposition, what sort of message are they sending to children - bullies and those who are bullied. What would happen if they talked about issues not personalities?
Looking back, can you remember a time when you feel you were bullied? How did you react? How did you feel? With hindsight would you do anything differently? Now, look at your own habits, what can you change to demonstrate your commitment to taking responsibility in changing Society's acceptance of bullying all the time, not only when a tragedy such as Amanda's death occurs.
Throughout the course of a week, I participate and sometimes observe many meetings, in both I observe the people involved. One week I participated in a meeting and was particularly gobsmacked (a great descriptive word!) at the behaviour of one person, let's call him Jack.
Jack's colleague arrived on time and noted that Jack might be late. We waited a short while and decided to begin our discussion. Some twenty minutes into the allotted time Jack arrived and sat down, no apology. His mobile rang and he took it out of his pocket, checked the number and continued with our conversation, he paused and began to scroll his e-mail. Eventually noting the silence from myself and my colleague he looked up, stopped and turned his mobile upside down. He then began to note that his colleagues, with one in the room, are lazy and that was part of the problem he is there to fix. Rather than listening to what was being said, he talked, not allowing for silence, or space to absorb both the atmosphere and the impact of his words. Thirty minutes after he arrived, he looked at the clock and stood up, ready to dash to another meeting.
In todays world, many may chose to ignore the simple forms of business etiquette. I am not one of them. My opinion of Jack has now been formed and it will take a lot to change it. How often do we do tiny things without thought? Taking out our mobile to check messages, when in a meeting or at a workshop? Speaking loudly into our mobile in a public place, unaware, or maybe uncaring that anyone could be listening, and forming opinions of our behaviour and more importantly our business. Speaking without thinking of the impact of our statements.
Coaching Jack, I would ask how he would handle a colleague who spoke disparagingly of him and his co-workers? I would ask what image did he wish to convey as a businessman and of the employer he was representing?
What else would you suggest Jack change? How would you have handled his behaviour, as the colleague in the room, and as one of the individuals he was meeting?
As business people, we expect some level of politeness. Being rude to others demonstrates a lack of respect, do you believe Jack wanted to project that image?
Let me know your thoughts and experiences in this new technological world!
If one has to get up at ungodly hours, then these are the sunrises one cannot miss. This morning for me was an early one, however on coming down the hill I couldn't but stop and watch this beautiful sunrise. My meeting could wait, sometimes it pays to get up early!
I continued onto my meeting after taking a few photographs, my good feeling continuing not only throughout the meeting but throughout the day. Usually on these early morning days I leave early, stumble home and fall upon the sofa. But I have made a commitment to myself that I would leave my office early and go to the gym. No one was there to check on me, I hadn't stated my commitment out loud, so I could have easily just gone home quietly and relaxed, no one else the wiser. But like committing to family, a friend or a job, I am learning that committing to myself is equally important.
What is com‧mit‧ment?
Wikipedia states that 'Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.. It is also known as a pledge or an undertaking.'
I often find that while I stick to any commitment made to work, family or friends, sticking to a commitment made to me is so much more difficult to achieve. I find too that I am not alone. Clients who are trying to change or move forward, often find that while they will almost bend over backwards to ensure they meet any commitment to others, their commitment to themselves is easy to ignore. So how can we make sure when we commit something to ourselves we treat that commitment in the same manner as we would to anyone else. Speaking that commitment out loud, booking them into our calendars, making them as important, or more so, than all other commitments we make. Take something that you try to do on a weekly, or monthly basis - an hour at the gym, an early night - anything that you want to do for yourself, make a commitment to keep that commitment once a week for a month, same day, same time. See how you do. Let me know how you do - I'm curious.
Oh, and by the way, the ending to my story. I keep my bike on a rack on my car, I left early, took my bike off and took it out. The bike ride was brilliant, 18 K in the sunshine!
I've been thinking a lot about 'what next', my kids are almost grown and now it is time for me - what do I want that to look like?
Have you ever taken a chance and jumped in without thought other than your gut telling you this is right?
Too often we focus on the negatives, the what ifs and funnily enough those what ifs are always negative! What if you just did it? Leave that job, move to a different city, start that business - what if you were successful?
Ken Carlson talks about 'The Art of Jumping' on his blog:
I love the descriptions he uses to describe our excuses, and the suggestions he makes to start jumping!
I've used those excuses, and others,; What if nobody wants me to coach them? I can't just give up work and hope to find clients I've still responsibilities and promises to my children. However, that doesn't stop me getting the ball rolling - What would a full coaching practice look like? What are the first steps to putting that into place? what is my timeline, when am I going to take that jump?
What have I done to start the process: This website and blog. I've made that phone call, and set up an appointment! Now I ask myself what is the next step?
So when will you jump? If your life was just as you wanted, what would it look like?
Let me know - maybe I can help you have a wonderfully, exhilarating Jump!
Maeve O'Byrne's Blog