It was a dark and dreary day, (I've always wanted to write that line!). Rain pouring down, it was as if the day was trying to make us as miserable as possible!  I decided it was an ideal day to stay home, have a leisurely late breakfast and tackle some of the painting I have left undone, forever.  So after breakfast in bed with my latest read 'The Trial of Fallen Angels', by James Kimmel, Jr., which despite the title isn't as dark as it sounds, I got up and dressed for painting.  

I am the messiest painter out there, most of the spare paint somehow lands on me, so I now designate old special paint clothes that I throw out after each job. These days I'm painting the wood ceiling and shelving in my loft, I want to have more light up there all year round.  Like any 'have to' jobs I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time getting psyched up, funny actually as I quite like painting.  It gives me time to think, ruminate over my week, wrestle with problems or just go off on tangents.  There are a few things however that I need to bring with me, first coffee, then water and finally music - to paint I prefer what my sister terms 'bubble gum' music, stuff that I can dance to, stuff from my teen years right up to today and to which I can sing along to as loudly as I wish!!

The music is always upbeat, and allows my mind to jump all over the place - it makes me feel happy.  I think of my younger son who cringes at his aunt and myself and our love of this music, at his brother who understands the genius behind those that can create such sounds and my sister who coined the phrase 'bubble gum' music, I can see her dancing in the night!  

Today, as I painted I thought of a friend who had contacted me during the week to apologize for not being in touch, personal problems she explained.  I had invited her to come over, anytime, we could have a bottle of wine, talk and she could sleep over in one of the kids beds. Her contacting me made me think of how often we don't reach out to others when we have problems.  I'm guilty, are you?  When I first became a single parent, I told no one that my husband and I had split, other than my family and with the closest relative probably over 10,000 km away it was an expensive conversation any day!  I think what stopped me from telling friends was pride and fear of everything, from how would we survive to how would I survive financially?  Don't ask me what telling people had to do with any of those and the hundreds of other reasons I had but then I felt there was a connection!  Mixed in was also relief, and from that relief a little shame that I would feel so!! How crazy is that?  What was actually a good thing for me and my kids, and I told myself that I should feel shameful for feeling relief - sometimes we should smack ourselves for our own foolish self talk.  How much easier would life have been, how much less lonely I would have felt if I had confided in others during those years.  Instead I closed in on myself.  Now I'm not exactly an open book today, but I have learned over the years to reach out

It sounds like that I spent my afternoon thinking somewhat negative deep thoughts, when it was actually lots of fun.  As I said I'm painting the ceiling and I have to do it in stages otherwise I get a bit glassy eyed at the thought of doing the whole undercoat at once.  So each time I go up there I give myself a certain portion to paint, before I'm allowed to go onto something else - like diving into the books I've taken down from the shelves (I can sort and maybe give away a few). Or check out a new pattern, look at my fabric stash and start imaging what I could make.  My challenge is there is so much to play with, and I want to do it all - NOW!  So I need to give myself a goal before I move onto something else - a skill I've learned over the years as I get to know myself better.  Today, I only stopped because I ran out of paint!  

So who do you talk to when you are fearful, or when life kicks you in the knees?  Take a look around, there are so many people out there who are willing to help, you just have to ask!  

I was invited to the Survivors dinner, Dragonboat Festival, the 11th, over $2 Million raised for diagnostic and operating equipment.  I sat at the front and watched as women young and old greeted each other.  Some came from down the road, others from flood ridden Calgary.  Each of these men and women have a story, each a survivor of Breast Cancer.  Some friends from last year weren't able to come, others will never return - they lost their fight.  I sat and marvelled at the courage and felt privileged that I for a few hours became part of their fight.  They laughed and teased each other, dressed to the nines for the dance competition later - the songs they chose ranging from Swan lake to Stronger inspired by this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaQdwTsVtCY).  And me, I was invited to say thank you and what I wanted to do was go away, hide and cry - why?  These are incredibly strong women and men, who have battled and are winning their individual fight, why am I so emotional?  Is it my ego, am I crying for myself and my fears? I acknowledge that some is  fear but what else pushes that button that brings tears? Is it guilt that I have, to date, avoided this disease on my dance card?  As I sat and watched these women and men, it occurred to me that I was avoiding the question?  I skipped around it, testing, but I don't want to answer, I'm letting my fear take over.  There is no big question today, no clever discussion - just a thought - when did you last look at the good in your life and give thanks and love to those around you?

Today, finally an indication that the sun has not forgotten us on the West Coast.  The sun shone in time for the Dragonboat Festival, a testament to Women and their families perseverance in times of fierce challenge and frightening times - breast cancer.   Teams arrive today and tomorrow and begin their competition early Saturday, tomorrow we celebrate the opening ceremony of dotting the eye of the dragon, remember those who did not survive their battle, and toast those who continue to survive and thrive in this new life.  The weekend honours lives lost and celebrates those who continue to survive and thrive, it moves us to recognize that as Steve Jobs said in his famous graduation speech 'no one has yet escaped death', so if you were told you had only a few days to live, what would you want to do?  

As I look back over the years, particularly when my kids were small, there were times where I was so caught in the worries of the day, I forgot to enjoy the moment.  Today, I have learned to 'unknot' my neck and shoulders, but first I need to recognize that I am falling into that trap, seizing up with the 'what ifs'.  It is so much easier to fall into the net of worry, it allows us not to move forward, we don't have to make a decision.  I often said to my kids so what? What is the worst thing that could happen?  It was so easy to ask the question, not so to answer it myself - it continues to be a work in progress.  What about you, can you recognize the cozy blanket of worry that allows you the excuse of not taking steps to move forward?