Another participant talked of surfing, riding the waves, cresting, going down and rising again.  We all agreed that what we are feeling is that hope is seeping into whatever reality each of us currently occupies.   What I had forgotten was that later in that poem Cohen writes ‘Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering.’

Do what you can…

In another words, do what you can.  Focus on what you can control, forget about being perfect. Do what we can!  Too often we try to do everything perfectly, to be seen as the perfect person, woman/man, business owner etc… and show the world our perfect self.  Right now, we’re being challenged to change our focus, from perfection to being perfectly imperfect.  In this article from Psychology Today, Irene Strauss Cohen, PhD  says ‘Perfectionism lives and breathes in your fear of making a mistake’.  In other words when we live in fear of making a mistake, we don’t always make the best decisions, and therefore are further away from perfection than if we had just forged ahead! 

Afraid of mistakes?

How often have you feared speaking aloud because you’re afraid you’ll make a mistake, or gone back to a project and rewritten it time and time again so that it can be perfect?  The problem is, it will never be, because you’re dealing with different perceptions of perfection.  Living in fear of not getting it right means we’re always living elsewhere, not in the present, in the moment but in the future, and often in the past, reliving those past mistakes.

Mindset

It’s a matter of mindset.  Brene Brown says that we have an inherent belief that ‘if we are perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame’.  A longing to being perfect demonstrates a need for external approval. And, that kind of approval, the one you are longing for – it will never come. 

I’m Enough

We need to decide what is important to us.  What are the values we believe in and use these to measure ourselves against.  When we begin to look internally, to think about what we are trying to accomplish and measure our enoughness (yes, my word!), against our own markers, we begin to change, and we become enough. 

Courage:

Sounds simple, hah!  It takes courage to decide to be okay with imperfection. Constant work to change our mindset, particularly because many of the impressions we have absorbed are those of others throughout our life… the well-meaning remark when you were 15 about how if you lost a few pounds you’d be beautiful, from a friend of your mothers; or the teacher who wrote that you were hopeless at math… all those remarks that we’ve taken in and made part of who we believe we are… Life is stressful enough, why are we adding to it with thoughts of worthlessness…  The friends you have, who accept you, flaws and all are the ones you want, and they will support you and accept you because of, not in spite of, your flaws.  So, stop each time you look externally for approval and tell yourself ‘I am enough’, use that energy to be you!

Resilience

Resilience is a word that has gained popularity today, but what does it mean?  Resilience is the ability to bounce back, to learn from our experiences, and where possible grow stronger from that learning.  Resilience is the ability to believe and rely on yourself, an understanding that you have control of your environment, or at least your reaction to the environment you find yourself in at any one time.  Resilience is the word we sometimes use when we see someone we admire, their strength, individuals who carry themselves in a way that exudes confidence.  Who laugh at their mistakes and move on!  Which leads us to…

The ability to let go:

Letting go of what is holding us back, of accepting that we will make mistakes and acknowledging who we really are – not who we want to be seen to be.  It’s about letting go of the stories we’ve carried with us for many years, moving forward.  Catching ourselves as we begin the dialogue of negative self-talk and changing the conversation.  It’s about…

Making our own decisions

Not looking to others for advice and expecting them to help us solve whatever it is that we are wrangling with.  To tell us what you should do, sharing our confusion, pain and anxiety with others hoping that they will have the answers, rather than looking inside for the answers.  Nobody has a better answer to our particular problem than each of us!  As we grow in confidence and accept who we are, we’re able to recognize what we want and the next step to take.  Coaching believes that each of us has the answer inside us, and as coaches our job is to help each client by asking simple questions that aid in finding the solution that is inside each of us.  You may not always get it right the first time, but that’s okay, success is in trying, as we grow in confidence in our ability to make decisions and to move toward our goals, we feel peace with where we are in life.  And the ongoing journey toward something new will bring more joy, and more rewarding as we progress.

Contact me

So, as you negotiate this crazy life, look for the cracks and find where the light comes in. Listen for those bells.  And remember, if you want a partner to push you to rediscover your inner genius, contact me…..

Gold Stars

Back to my connections, is having 1,500 connections a good thing?  Some social media platforms encourage and reward those who are able to build their connections, they get the equivalent to a child’s gold star.  But, really what is the point of having a ton of names on one’s ‘connections’ if we don’t actually connect?   I quite like people, I like learning about who they are, what they do and why they want to connect with me, that may  be as far as I’ll go, I may not connect any further, while others and I make more of an effort, we learn more about each other, we send information we believe the other person may be interested in, not sales material, not at the beginning anyway.  For me it’s about understanding how others think, what they want and if/whether I can help them.  I know some individuals come into our lives and then leave, others stay awhile and still others remain connected over many years – they are the ones we know that we can pick up the phone, go visit and the conversation will flow as if there hadn’t been an interruption of years

Requests to connect

As I’ve worked my way through connections, I continue to receive requests to connect, and now I’m asking a question of those individuals ‘why?’  Why do you want to connect with me, or ‘what’ what is it about my profile that interests you?  Most don’t answer, and so I’m not connecting, or if I have connected, then I’ll disconnect.  Some people have an electronic message and so when I post my question an electronic response is triggered, often having nothing to do with the question I posed, more to do with the sender!  And usually the sender is trying to sell their services.  

So as I’m going through these lists, I’m asking myself three questions:  How do I know this person?    Is this a good connection for me (good means: is there something I can learn from them? Are they a good friend/family? Is this a connection that I should be cultivating?).  I review their profile, and if I can’t answer in the positive then I cut the connection.  I’d rather have fewer, good connections than a mass of strangers on my feed.  It also means I can focus on the connections I have, both familiar and those I feel I need or want to spend more time with.  

Learning about me!

It also interests me that I am quite miserly with my requests to connect.  Part of the challenge is that as an introvert I am happy with the good friends I have, and yet I know and understand that as a business owner I should be more outwardly focused and connected.  I believe that one good conversation with one person out trumps a group chat where often I am silent, can’t hear myself think, let alone speak.  It’s also perhaps why I’m a good facilitator, often holding silence while ensuring everyone has a chance to say their piece, and trying to ensure that those who have something to say, are allowed to do so, rather than only allowing the loudest to be heard.

One of the things I’m starting to do, is look at who wants to connect, who are they – I google them, outside the social media profile I’ve received.  I look at photographs, and other pieces of public information.  Is this someone I want to know?  I make mistakes, however taking time and being more focused on who I’m speaking/spending time with has also made me more conscious of my connections and trying to add value to our relationship.  I’ve begun to ask myself what can I do to further our connection or relationship – business or personal.  And, if I find something I feel of is particular interest to someone, I’ll forward it to them. 

Metaphors

We could liken ourselves to a stream that comes to life small, flowing and growing as the years (miles) go by, other streams joining, sometime flowing in and other times out, eventually we may become part of a river, and then move onto the anonymity of the sea – people come in and out of our lives, we learn (hopefully) and grow from each interaction, some are wonderful others are a disappointment, maybe hurtful and yet if we sit and reflect, each provides us with something.  Sometimes the water runs slowly and we can take time to get to know another better, other times the water runs quickly, is rough or choppy and the connection is tried, some are weak and don’t survive, some are strengthened because of the turbulence.  My emotions and career may have been tossed around a few times because I made a ‘wrong’ connection, however for me the beauty of getting to know someone new, the kindness of strangers wanting to help and the joy of friendship completely overrides the importance of the number of connections.

So the next time someone reaches out to you to connect, rather than pressing the ‘connect’ button stop and ask why?  What can I do for them, and they for me?  If I decide to press connect, what will this bring to me?

Kingsley interviewed by Joseph Lantzillotta of Tangent, an innovation and entrepreneur initiative at Trinity College, Dublin.  

On Saturday, twice, cyclists burst from a side trail without looking behind to see if there were any riders coming down the main path.  One in front of me, I had seen him coming and had slowed down, he didn’t look behind at all and shot out of the side trail, if I hadn’t noticed him, we would have very easily collided.  Then I watched as a cyclist squealed to a halt as a family appeared from the side trail, no one checking to see if anyone was coming on the main route.  Luckily no one was hurt however it reminded me of how sometimes in life we go blindly forward without thinking about those around us and the impact we, and our decisions, might have on them.   

We constantly make decisions, or choices as I noted in my last blog, and our decisions often impact not just us but others too.  Many decisions, even those we think are small or insignificant, can have a significant impact on our organizations and in worst-case scenarios can lead to loss of revenue and more.  When we make decisions, we need to consider all the options, look at the data, and sometimes even when we think we have all the information, we have to take a chance and use our intuition to decide what route we take.  One of the best things a leader can do is to know when to reverse a decision, or change course.  Unfortunately for some, changing course is seen as a weakness, that the first decision was a poor one and therefore they believe that they will be seen as a ‘failure’.  This is far from true, a leader or manager who can admit that ‘they got it wrong, are more likely to grow an organization by their recognition and correction than a leader who forges ahead with a bad decision that negatively impacts their organization.

I work with individuals, each of them a leader, whether it is in their job title, or not.  Each of them leads a team, supervises others, or manages a project with other individuals.  They spend time worrying about their leadership and decision-making skills, we work often on collaboration and communication.  They are concerned about their colleagues, wanting to help them, and sometimes feeling intimidated about the task ahead.  They worry about team engagement, or how to develop trust among older or longer-tenured colleagues.  They recognize that their decisions will impact their teams and other colleagues as well as how they will be viewed by these individuals.  And they seek coaching to help them build teams that produce results while supporting each other.  

They are not the people I worry about.  It is those who go into positions of leadership and trust blindly, unaware or uncaring of how their decisions impact others down the line.  They don’t concern themselves with the challenges others might face, whether it is increased workload or anxiety about individual performance.  They see only the goal that needs to be achieved and how, if not reached, it will impact them.  They don’t know how to mentor, nurture and support their colleagues and don’t worry about doing so.  They don’t recognize how their behaviour can impact the productivity of their organization.  They think words like empathy, active listening, and humility are for those who are weak. Rather than seeing their teams and colleagues as partners, they see them as competitors to be beaten.  Rather than create vision and inspiration, they create a culture of fear and dog eat dog…  

Great leaders build teams of individuals who have different skillsets and knowledge bases, they are okay with not knowing everything, they are flexible, able to adapt to different systems and methods, and they believe in collaboration not control. Good leaders are constantly striving to be better, they celebrate success with all, and then move forward to the next goal, they never stay in the same place.  They look to see best practices, hire people who aren’t afraid to challenge them, and they, in turn, support their team’s growth.  Good leaders look inwardly to learn more about themselves, about how their biases and other influences might affect their decision making and how they can use this information to be better leaders.

In today’s VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world, leaders are faced with complex challenges.  Challenges that are often new, with endings that are unpredictable and which seem to have no right answers.  Here leaders who are flexible, open, and honest with their colleagues about the uncertainty their organization faces, look to them for options and solutions will be the leaders that thrive.  I believe each of us has it in us to be a good leader; we just need the courage to be vulnerable, admit when we are wrong, and look to others, even those we lead for support, and make the tough decisions when necessary.  

Are there other traits of good leadership or bad leadership that I have missed?  What do you need to change in order to step up your leadership?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and left feeling hurt, dissatisfied, angry, then continued to go over that conversation time and time again.  I bet many of those people immediately forgot about you and the conversation, so why are you lending your headspace to them?  I may go over a conversation I have had with someone, however, I work hard at not letting myself self-blame (I shouldn’t have done this/that), rather I try to look at ‘what I did well’, and ‘where could I have done better’, and then I leave it alone.  I won’t wear it.  

We may not be able to choose certain things in life, however, we have a choice in how we deal with them, and so many of us tend not to realize or understand this.  We can decide whether we will allow those ‘annoying roommates in our head’ (Arianna Huffington) to stay, or whether we will move them out.  Easier said than done, I know, and it took me years to realize that I could choose how I reacted to others, conversations, changes, and whether I would allow them to live with me.  It takes practice, continual practice, and sometimes I forget and then kick myself for wasting my headspace on someone else’s problem.  Recently I was at an event, and one of the individuals made, what he considered a joke; it was sexist and nasty. I was with a couple I know and while they nervously laughed I told him ‘to stick to music’ (he was a professional musician) I wasn’t rude, my tone was neutral, however, he got the message and slunk away!  Interestingly the male of the couple, after continuing to chat with me, asked that we go back to that moment as he wanted to talk about the fact that he felt he should have done something and wondered why he hadn’t!   We talked about fear, of being judged, of retaliation and how sometimes we need to draw our line in the sand, make a choice about what is acceptable, and stick with it – no matter how uncomfortable. 

It was and is my choice not to accept sexism, racism, and all the other isms out there, I made a decision some years ago to call others out, and despite fear, despite sometimes being the only person in the room to do so, it is my choice.  I have drawn my line in the sand as to what I will accept in the behaviour of others.  

I also won’t excuse my own behaviour, blaming it on the past, my parents, old friends or whomever… We all have stories, we all have choices and when we get to a certain age we need to take responsibility for our actions.  There comes a time in life when we have to let go of blaming everyone else, yes they may have hurt us both physically and emotionally, we may feel that they stopped us from taking opportunities, however, we are now adults and can choose to heal ourselves.  We may need therapy or other support, but I believe that often the main challenge is our own mind and not wanting to take responsibility for our actions. I know this sounds simplistic and many may not agree, however, I wonder how it serves us by going back and blaming someone else, from decades ago, for our current behaviour.  

I know a number of individuals who, even in their 40’s and up, continue to blame their conduct on their parents.  To me this blame is challenging to accept, none of us had perfect childhoods, often our parents did the best they could in the circumstances, and now as adults, we have a choice to accept that our childhood was difficult, and think about how we want to ensure our kids don’t experience the same, or worse.  When we perpetuate the same habits, blaming others for our bad behaviour we’re passing on our hurt and anger to our children, colleagues, and friends.  

We have a choice to change our behaviour, to work on it and accept responsibility for our actions, to get help when we need it, and hold ourselves accountable.  We can choose how we behave. We hold the power to change, we have a choice.

I have had a couple of clients who have been working through their challenges, and what’s amazing is the relief they feel, knowing that they can let it go.  Most have gone to therapy, continue to do the work to understand why they behaved in ways that often they felt ashamed of, and now are ready to move forward to develop new habits.  It’s not always plain sailing, sometimes we need to change belief systems we’ve held for decades, or habits that have been ingrained, the key is when we begin to recognize and become aware we can begin to move forward and change.   

If you want to make changes in your life, are ready to do the work and truly look at yourself and even look at yourself as others view you, and if you need support, contact me for a complimentary session to see if coaching with me is right for you.

I looked around at the many people, hurrying around, some staring with curiosity, not willing to offer help, others stoutly looking ahead, and it struck me at how judgemental we as humans are.  Here was a man, who had fallen, yes in a city with a lot of street people, however he was obviously in trouble, yet no-one else was willing to lend a hand, in fact in my judgement most of those passing by were going to a lot of trouble to avoid being asked to help.  My mobile was out of power, I listen to stories when I walk and because of my extra-long walk I had run out of power a kilometer or so back.  I wanted to keep him talking, because even though I hadn’t seen him hit his head, he may have, and could have been concussed.

I kept talking to him all the while watching those around me, asking what is the problem?  I often chat to others, whether they’re asking me for directions or make a comment, it doesn’t matter who they are, they are all like me, maybe with less advantages or opportunities, but they’re individuals, some who despite their circumstances are quite charming and funny!  I’m not out there drumming up conversations on the street, however when someone asks me for money, or calls out a compliment, or makes a remark, it seems rude not to answer back.  I’ve had wonderful conversations with both men and women, everyone has a story.

It seems sad that because of fear or judgement we cannot lend a hand when needed.  I remember repeating the mantra all parents say to their children ‘don’t talk to strangers’, and my kids would answer ‘you do, all the time!’, and so I would explain about the good and bad of doing so.  However, it seems sometimes as adults we carry that mantra too far.  How much does it cost to throw a kind word to a homeless person, or respond to the remark thrown out in jest?  Have we so lost our humanity that anyone who doesn’t fit our version of ‘the right people’ is not worthy of an act of kindness, or do we feel that because we take our no longer wanted clothing to the thrift store that we have done our bit?  In these times of fear, and isolation, a few words and acts of kindness go a long way to supporting those in need.  

Back to my story, I stopped a young man wearing the name tag of the hotel across the street, and asked him to call the ambulance, he did so.  We were able to give them the information they needed and they came down to help.  At this stage I left, no longer needed and walked home wondering about the lack of help, thinking of my stumbles sometimes when I’m tired, would anyone stop to help me if I fell over?  Gary, for that was his name, didn’t smell of alcohol, and there was nothing that shouted to me, step away, I was a few seconds in walking up to him so there was a very short time between his fall and me coming up to him, and yet no one stopped to check if he needed help.  If we’ve learned nothing else this year, it is that changes happen, fast and unexpected.  All of us have endured challenges, some of us have weathered them better than others, we all could do with a kind word, support.  So, hug those you love, check in with them often, and when you meet that guy in the street, obviously homeless, maybe addicted, rather than judge, give him your change, or a hamburger, find compassion and thank your god that you are okay…

But what is courage?  This is the dictionary definition, however what does it mean in our day to day life?  

noun

the ability to do something that frightens one.

“she called on all her courage to face the ordeal”

strength in the face of pain or grief.

“he fought his illness with great courage”

For me, a very reticent introvert, (I love living in silence!), courage:

It’s something I’ve been endeavouring to do more and more of.  It’s not always popular – that void, noiseless space that greets my pronouncements and being okay with it.  I’ve always had that conversation in my head, now I’m putting it out into the open.  Not always comfortable however more aligned with who I am. 

I started the year with reflection, what was it that I wanted to achieve, and the word that came out was/is ‘Visibility’, making myself more visible to those who can benefit from the work I do, and for me, this is courage.  I’m much more comfortable being the person behind the scenes, this year I’m, not so much making myself, rather taking another step into the open, being me, publicly!

So what does that look like, calling out racist or sexist comments for what they, following up with a colleague pointing out what I saw as favouritism, reflecting on those issues that sit in my mind and cause me stress.  That monkey mind that chatters away, stops you sleeping, stresses you out. You probably know the problem – I may lose that connection, I may lose business, however I found peace, in my thoughts.  

I’m determined to continue this journey into courage, and see what it brings me.  Instinctively I know this is a good path to follow.  It sits well with me, and allows me not only to feel better about myself, but also follows what I believe and what drives me – that everyone needs to be heard, why not me?

What is the courageous edge for you?  How are you developing that courage muscle?  Need help?  I’m developing a new series of coaching packages, individual and group.  If you’re interested in learning more about what I do, contact me.  If you’re interested in figuring out ‘what next’, why not schedule a call – let’s see where you can go on your journey.

I was talking to a client this afternoon about the same problem, as things get busier, and energy gets used up in one area, we deplete the energy available for other things in our life and shortchange those we love, as well as those things we love to do!  One of the things I do love about working with individuals is that I always learn so much from them, and in the process I grow!  I can see my reflection in them as we work through the challenges they face.. the challenge of having too many balls in the air, too many people looking to them to get things done, and sometimes the challenge of taking on too much.

One of the biggest challenges I face, and a weakness of mine is giving my time to others and causes I believe in.  And often, I offer free what I should be charging for… this was brought to my attention again at lunch by a colleague who is working on a volunteer project with me, I set about to pick his brains about developing my business.  He went through the process of asking simple questions that made me really think and focus on who I serve, how much I give away either through reduction in fees, or just through offering services.  He sat me down and questioned where my attention was, who my ideal client really is and asked why should anyone pay me for stuff  when I was giving it away!  He’s made me aware that in the process of trying to help others, I’ve been shortchanging myself and my business.  A challenge I’ve sorta been aware of, when it has come back to bite me, such as the time I gave free coaching to an acquaintance who then went out and hired a coach because of the value she’d received!  I struggle between volunteer projects and expanding my business, however no one has ever called me on it – until now!   And so what to do…

I’m taking time out to really think deeply about the questions posed today.  My clients have varied from business to personal, and a mixture of both.  I truly believe that life is life and we can’t separate our work life from everything else – life is life.  However in order to grow, I hear time and time again, that I should specialize, focus on one area and move my attention to there alone, difficult for one who loves to play the field as it were.  I like people, I like working with them to delve into whatever challenges they face, however because of this I’m apparently seen as too generalist and should really focus on one area.  I’m going away soon to visit my sister, and in the process it is time to refocus and decide what path I want to take.  So, I know I have quite a few readers out there, tell me your thoughts – you’ve read my blogs over the past year, and heard my voice, now I’d like to hear yours, please.

​How do you balance your volunteer life with work and life?   What do you do when you realize you’ve dropped all those good habits you’ve cultivated and how do you travel back to balance?   What about those big decisions and complex challenges, how do you make decisions on which way to go?  I’m open and interested – talk to me!

Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, out of balance and under the gun at work – do you tell yourself and others that you cannot take vacation because you are too busy?  Do you think taking a vacation will make you look less dedicated to your workplace?
Let’s debunk some myths:
1.   I’ll be seen as less dedicated and less productive –

• research shows us that productivity increases when we give our brains the opportunity to ‘tune out’ from work and tune in to something different.  When we return from a break we are usually more rested.  We have taken time to rest and recharge our batteries so that we have more energy to focus on what’s important.

2.    I’ll be more stressed if I take a vacation

• Time off has proven benefits – It reduces stress and many reports say it is good for our heart health.  A Scandinavian study showed women who vacationed once every 6 years or more were 8 times more likely to develop heart disease or suffer heart attacks than those who travelled at least twice a year

3.   I’ll be less focused

• Taking time off, is good for our mental health & resilience, it helps the mind and body heal and allows our brain time to reboot.  A reduction in stress through a vacation can help return focus better than any other activity

Let’s rephrase and talk about what a vacation or taking time off can do for you!

• It can decrease burnout.  People who take time to relax are less likely to experience burnout, which allows them to be more creative and productive than those who don’t take breaks
• Improves and rekindles relationships:  Spending quality time with family and friends gives us the opportunity to have better quality and more meaningful relationships.
• Gives us time to re-access life’s priorities, while allowing us to refresh, rejuvenate  and re-centre ourselves.  Allows us to rebalance work/life priorities.
• Vacations improve Sleep:  Taking vacations improve overall sleep. Rested workers can focus better, have more energy and are more productive. 

Now I’m talking about a real vacation, not a day here and there but a week, or even better two weeks away.  To really benefit from a vacation we must – turn off e-mail and calls, and stop thinking about work.  Even planning a vacation can change our outlook and make us happier.  If you worry about someone dropping the ball at work, plan, delegate and then trust.  Remember no one is indispensable, although we do sometimes like to think we are..  I’m often amazed when I go away, and really turn off, how many solutions I find when I return home, to challenges I had struggled with before I left.

It’s important to take time away, whether you own the business, are an key team leader or a new employee.  It’s important to your health, which in turn is important to your company’s health.  Burnout is real and costly for companies, stressed out employees are not productive or creative, in fact they can be downright grumpy and disruptive.
​
Remember you only have this life to live, you are in charge of how you live it.  Working yourself to the bone, suffering ill health and bad relationships because you are afraid of taking time away may mean it’s time to re-access what’s important.  Take back your time!  Live the life you have been given with joy, gratitude and happiness.  And, if you need  support to instigate changes, contact me and set up an appointment for a free discovery session.