Have you ever had a conversation with someone and left feeling hurt, dissatisfied, angry, then continued to go over that conversation time and time again.  I bet many of those people immediately forgot about you and the conversation, so why are you lending your headspace to them?  I may go over a conversation I have had with someone, however, I work hard at not letting myself self-blame (I shouldn’t have done this/that), rather I try to look at ‘what I did well’, and ‘where could I have done better’, and then I leave it alone.  I won’t wear it.  

We may not be able to choose certain things in life, however, we have a choice in how we deal with them, and so many of us tend not to realize or understand this.  We can decide whether we will allow those ‘annoying roommates in our head’ (Arianna Huffington) to stay, or whether we will move them out.  Easier said than done, I know, and it took me years to realize that I could choose how I reacted to others, conversations, changes, and whether I would allow them to live with me.  It takes practice, continual practice, and sometimes I forget and then kick myself for wasting my headspace on someone else’s problem.  Recently I was at an event, and one of the individuals made, what he considered a joke; it was sexist and nasty. I was with a couple I know and while they nervously laughed I told him ‘to stick to music’ (he was a professional musician) I wasn’t rude, my tone was neutral, however, he got the message and slunk away!  Interestingly the male of the couple, after continuing to chat with me, asked that we go back to that moment as he wanted to talk about the fact that he felt he should have done something and wondered why he hadn’t!   We talked about fear, of being judged, of retaliation and how sometimes we need to draw our line in the sand, make a choice about what is acceptable, and stick with it – no matter how uncomfortable. 

It was and is my choice not to accept sexism, racism, and all the other isms out there, I made a decision some years ago to call others out, and despite fear, despite sometimes being the only person in the room to do so, it is my choice.  I have drawn my line in the sand as to what I will accept in the behaviour of others.  

I also won’t excuse my own behaviour, blaming it on the past, my parents, old friends or whomever… We all have stories, we all have choices and when we get to a certain age we need to take responsibility for our actions.  There comes a time in life when we have to let go of blaming everyone else, yes they may have hurt us both physically and emotionally, we may feel that they stopped us from taking opportunities, however, we are now adults and can choose to heal ourselves.  We may need therapy or other support, but I believe that often the main challenge is our own mind and not wanting to take responsibility for our actions. I know this sounds simplistic and many may not agree, however, I wonder how it serves us by going back and blaming someone else, from decades ago, for our current behaviour.  

I know a number of individuals who, even in their 40’s and up, continue to blame their conduct on their parents.  To me this blame is challenging to accept, none of us had perfect childhoods, often our parents did the best they could in the circumstances, and now as adults, we have a choice to accept that our childhood was difficult, and think about how we want to ensure our kids don’t experience the same, or worse.  When we perpetuate the same habits, blaming others for our bad behaviour we’re passing on our hurt and anger to our children, colleagues, and friends.  

We have a choice to change our behaviour, to work on it and accept responsibility for our actions, to get help when we need it, and hold ourselves accountable.  We can choose how we behave. We hold the power to change, we have a choice.

I have had a couple of clients who have been working through their challenges, and what’s amazing is the relief they feel, knowing that they can let it go.  Most have gone to therapy, continue to do the work to understand why they behaved in ways that often they felt ashamed of, and now are ready to move forward to develop new habits.  It’s not always plain sailing, sometimes we need to change belief systems we’ve held for decades, or habits that have been ingrained, the key is when we begin to recognize and become aware we can begin to move forward and change.   

If you want to make changes in your life, are ready to do the work and truly look at yourself and even look at yourself as others view you, and if you need support, contact me for a complimentary session to see if coaching with me is right for you.

I looked around at the many people, hurrying around, some staring with curiosity, not willing to offer help, others stoutly looking ahead, and it struck me at how judgemental we as humans are.  Here was a man, who had fallen, yes in a city with a lot of street people, however he was obviously in trouble, yet no-one else was willing to lend a hand, in fact in my judgement most of those passing by were going to a lot of trouble to avoid being asked to help.  My mobile was out of power, I listen to stories when I walk and because of my extra-long walk I had run out of power a kilometer or so back.  I wanted to keep him talking, because even though I hadn’t seen him hit his head, he may have, and could have been concussed.

I kept talking to him all the while watching those around me, asking what is the problem?  I often chat to others, whether they’re asking me for directions or make a comment, it doesn’t matter who they are, they are all like me, maybe with less advantages or opportunities, but they’re individuals, some who despite their circumstances are quite charming and funny!  I’m not out there drumming up conversations on the street, however when someone asks me for money, or calls out a compliment, or makes a remark, it seems rude not to answer back.  I’ve had wonderful conversations with both men and women, everyone has a story.

It seems sad that because of fear or judgement we cannot lend a hand when needed.  I remember repeating the mantra all parents say to their children ‘don’t talk to strangers’, and my kids would answer ‘you do, all the time!’, and so I would explain about the good and bad of doing so.  However, it seems sometimes as adults we carry that mantra too far.  How much does it cost to throw a kind word to a homeless person, or respond to the remark thrown out in jest?  Have we so lost our humanity that anyone who doesn’t fit our version of ‘the right people’ is not worthy of an act of kindness, or do we feel that because we take our no longer wanted clothing to the thrift store that we have done our bit?  In these times of fear, and isolation, a few words and acts of kindness go a long way to supporting those in need.  

Back to my story, I stopped a young man wearing the name tag of the hotel across the street, and asked him to call the ambulance, he did so.  We were able to give them the information they needed and they came down to help.  At this stage I left, no longer needed and walked home wondering about the lack of help, thinking of my stumbles sometimes when I’m tired, would anyone stop to help me if I fell over?  Gary, for that was his name, didn’t smell of alcohol, and there was nothing that shouted to me, step away, I was a few seconds in walking up to him so there was a very short time between his fall and me coming up to him, and yet no one stopped to check if he needed help.  If we’ve learned nothing else this year, it is that changes happen, fast and unexpected.  All of us have endured challenges, some of us have weathered them better than others, we all could do with a kind word, support.  So, hug those you love, check in with them often, and when you meet that guy in the street, obviously homeless, maybe addicted, rather than judge, give him your change, or a hamburger, find compassion and thank your god that you are okay…