Gold Stars

Back to my connections, is having 1,500 connections a good thing?  Some social media platforms encourage and reward those who are able to build their connections, they get the equivalent to a child’s gold star.  But, really what is the point of having a ton of names on one’s ‘connections’ if we don’t actually connect?   I quite like people, I like learning about who they are, what they do and why they want to connect with me, that may  be as far as I’ll go, I may not connect any further, while others and I make more of an effort, we learn more about each other, we send information we believe the other person may be interested in, not sales material, not at the beginning anyway.  For me it’s about understanding how others think, what they want and if/whether I can help them.  I know some individuals come into our lives and then leave, others stay awhile and still others remain connected over many years – they are the ones we know that we can pick up the phone, go visit and the conversation will flow as if there hadn’t been an interruption of years

Requests to connect

As I’ve worked my way through connections, I continue to receive requests to connect, and now I’m asking a question of those individuals ‘why?’  Why do you want to connect with me, or ‘what’ what is it about my profile that interests you?  Most don’t answer, and so I’m not connecting, or if I have connected, then I’ll disconnect.  Some people have an electronic message and so when I post my question an electronic response is triggered, often having nothing to do with the question I posed, more to do with the sender!  And usually the sender is trying to sell their services.  

So as I’m going through these lists, I’m asking myself three questions:  How do I know this person?    Is this a good connection for me (good means: is there something I can learn from them? Are they a good friend/family? Is this a connection that I should be cultivating?).  I review their profile, and if I can’t answer in the positive then I cut the connection.  I’d rather have fewer, good connections than a mass of strangers on my feed.  It also means I can focus on the connections I have, both familiar and those I feel I need or want to spend more time with.  

Learning about me!

It also interests me that I am quite miserly with my requests to connect.  Part of the challenge is that as an introvert I am happy with the good friends I have, and yet I know and understand that as a business owner I should be more outwardly focused and connected.  I believe that one good conversation with one person out trumps a group chat where often I am silent, can’t hear myself think, let alone speak.  It’s also perhaps why I’m a good facilitator, often holding silence while ensuring everyone has a chance to say their piece, and trying to ensure that those who have something to say, are allowed to do so, rather than only allowing the loudest to be heard.

One of the things I’m starting to do, is look at who wants to connect, who are they – I google them, outside the social media profile I’ve received.  I look at photographs, and other pieces of public information.  Is this someone I want to know?  I make mistakes, however taking time and being more focused on who I’m speaking/spending time with has also made me more conscious of my connections and trying to add value to our relationship.  I’ve begun to ask myself what can I do to further our connection or relationship – business or personal.  And, if I find something I feel of is particular interest to someone, I’ll forward it to them. 

Metaphors

We could liken ourselves to a stream that comes to life small, flowing and growing as the years (miles) go by, other streams joining, sometime flowing in and other times out, eventually we may become part of a river, and then move onto the anonymity of the sea – people come in and out of our lives, we learn (hopefully) and grow from each interaction, some are wonderful others are a disappointment, maybe hurtful and yet if we sit and reflect, each provides us with something.  Sometimes the water runs slowly and we can take time to get to know another better, other times the water runs quickly, is rough or choppy and the connection is tried, some are weak and don’t survive, some are strengthened because of the turbulence.  My emotions and career may have been tossed around a few times because I made a ‘wrong’ connection, however for me the beauty of getting to know someone new, the kindness of strangers wanting to help and the joy of friendship completely overrides the importance of the number of connections.

So the next time someone reaches out to you to connect, rather than pressing the ‘connect’ button stop and ask why?  What can I do for them, and they for me?  If I decide to press connect, what will this bring to me?

Kingsley interviewed by Joseph Lantzillotta of Tangent, an innovation and entrepreneur initiative at Trinity College, Dublin.  

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and left feeling hurt, dissatisfied, angry, then continued to go over that conversation time and time again.  I bet many of those people immediately forgot about you and the conversation, so why are you lending your headspace to them?  I may go over a conversation I have had with someone, however, I work hard at not letting myself self-blame (I shouldn’t have done this/that), rather I try to look at ‘what I did well’, and ‘where could I have done better’, and then I leave it alone.  I won’t wear it.  

We may not be able to choose certain things in life, however, we have a choice in how we deal with them, and so many of us tend not to realize or understand this.  We can decide whether we will allow those ‘annoying roommates in our head’ (Arianna Huffington) to stay, or whether we will move them out.  Easier said than done, I know, and it took me years to realize that I could choose how I reacted to others, conversations, changes, and whether I would allow them to live with me.  It takes practice, continual practice, and sometimes I forget and then kick myself for wasting my headspace on someone else’s problem.  Recently I was at an event, and one of the individuals made, what he considered a joke; it was sexist and nasty. I was with a couple I know and while they nervously laughed I told him ‘to stick to music’ (he was a professional musician) I wasn’t rude, my tone was neutral, however, he got the message and slunk away!  Interestingly the male of the couple, after continuing to chat with me, asked that we go back to that moment as he wanted to talk about the fact that he felt he should have done something and wondered why he hadn’t!   We talked about fear, of being judged, of retaliation and how sometimes we need to draw our line in the sand, make a choice about what is acceptable, and stick with it – no matter how uncomfortable. 

It was and is my choice not to accept sexism, racism, and all the other isms out there, I made a decision some years ago to call others out, and despite fear, despite sometimes being the only person in the room to do so, it is my choice.  I have drawn my line in the sand as to what I will accept in the behaviour of others.  

I also won’t excuse my own behaviour, blaming it on the past, my parents, old friends or whomever… We all have stories, we all have choices and when we get to a certain age we need to take responsibility for our actions.  There comes a time in life when we have to let go of blaming everyone else, yes they may have hurt us both physically and emotionally, we may feel that they stopped us from taking opportunities, however, we are now adults and can choose to heal ourselves.  We may need therapy or other support, but I believe that often the main challenge is our own mind and not wanting to take responsibility for our actions. I know this sounds simplistic and many may not agree, however, I wonder how it serves us by going back and blaming someone else, from decades ago, for our current behaviour.  

I know a number of individuals who, even in their 40’s and up, continue to blame their conduct on their parents.  To me this blame is challenging to accept, none of us had perfect childhoods, often our parents did the best they could in the circumstances, and now as adults, we have a choice to accept that our childhood was difficult, and think about how we want to ensure our kids don’t experience the same, or worse.  When we perpetuate the same habits, blaming others for our bad behaviour we’re passing on our hurt and anger to our children, colleagues, and friends.  

We have a choice to change our behaviour, to work on it and accept responsibility for our actions, to get help when we need it, and hold ourselves accountable.  We can choose how we behave. We hold the power to change, we have a choice.

I have had a couple of clients who have been working through their challenges, and what’s amazing is the relief they feel, knowing that they can let it go.  Most have gone to therapy, continue to do the work to understand why they behaved in ways that often they felt ashamed of, and now are ready to move forward to develop new habits.  It’s not always plain sailing, sometimes we need to change belief systems we’ve held for decades, or habits that have been ingrained, the key is when we begin to recognize and become aware we can begin to move forward and change.   

If you want to make changes in your life, are ready to do the work and truly look at yourself and even look at yourself as others view you, and if you need support, contact me for a complimentary session to see if coaching with me is right for you.

Aside from the fact that it was great to visit with my sister and her family, she also understood my burnout and allowed me the space to recover, adding quiet support and time for me to recuperate from a long flight and the cold I’d caught.  She thoughtfully laid on great treats, such as a mani/pedicure on the first day after I arrived, as well as travels to other cities, and asked for nothing.

Now, as I reflect back, I couldn’t have asked for anything better.  When we work independently as solo entrepreneurs there is no one to say – ‘hey take a break’ or ‘how are you sleeping?’  We’re constantly trying to add value to the work we do for our clients, while at the same time hustling for new clients.  We stress about our finances, we stress about the future, where will we find the next client all the while trying to serve the clients we have to the best of our ability!  So all the while I was away, I was thinking about all these things and how my outlook reflects my wellbeing.

Coming home, I’ve decided to be kinder to myself….  First I had to get over my jet lag, which I didn’t struggle against, I let it happen and was gentle with myself, if I needed to take a nap, that was okay.  However, when I was away, I walked – a lot!  Exploring and comparing my fitness with my big sis, who also got me swimming, not something I do often made me realize how I sometime in busy periods neglect this part of my wellbeing.  On coming home, I wanted to continue these great habits and began with 30 minutes walking each morning, a couple of 10 minutes upper body sessions last week, and, of course, my great yoga class.

That was the easy part, now to get back into my work routine – I completed a number of contracts in December, and so I was able to away without trying to juggle time zones and zoom calls.  Coming home I needed to follow up with current clients, and connect with prospective entrepreneurs and emerging leaders who want to grow and develop.  It’s also time to restart my blogging as well writing for other on-line magazines. I could get lost in the ‘tyranny of the urgent’, frantically worrying goals I’ve set, or what my bottom line will look like at the end of the month, but instead I’m going to focus on improving on what I know is the good value I bring to clients, and trust that growth will come with the investment I’ve made and continue to make in my business.  I won’t get caught in the cycle of negative thoughts and energy thieves.  I’ve got my weekly mastermind group and a new business partner to bounce ideas off, and catch me when I’m being too hard on  myself.  These are supports I needed to put into place to help me not become my own worst enemy!

When I began my entrepreneur journey, I wanted to spend more time on my hobbies, and although I have spent some time playing in this arena, it hasn’t been to the extent that I had in mind.  So I’ve made a decision to give myself permission to play more, right now I’m cleaning up, and putting away my vacation clothes, as well as tidying up after Christmas.  Yep still putting away Christmas decorations! However, as I go through my diary, I’m adding play time. I find I work best when I calendar in all my activities, I colour code everything, this gives me the ability to look at my week and see where and how I am spending my time – if I go over, say my volunteer time then I can reflect on what occurred, and what I might need to change to ensure that I balance my week.  Notice I say week, I think trying to balance days is a little crazy, I look at my weeks and months to see how I’m spending time and compare it to how I’m feeling – sometimes it’s a mixture of too much of everything, others it’s one area of my life that’s a little crazy.  This colour system allows me to keep track of my life, and rebalance it when necessary.

How do you ensure you have time for everything in your life?  Do you have a system? I wonder at those that discuss work/life balance as for me it’s all about life, and the balance is in how we take care of ourselves and our loved ones, whether at home or work.

Remember, life is for living. You only have this one life to live.  Live it to the fullest, laugh each day, try to hug at least one person, be grateful for what you have and support others who are struggling.  Give where you can, sometimes that may be financially, but often it’s lending a shoulder or an ear, it can make a huge difference.

So, belatedly Happy New Year to you all, tell me what is the one thing you’re changing this year to increase happiness in your life?  Leave a comment below, so we can all learn from each other.